What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:14
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I couldn’t, believe it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
All the time i was locked up.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why do women consider 80% of men as unattractive?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was seconnd youngest,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is soul school!.
Which is better, a naked picture of some one you know or porn videos?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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She wouldn,t have been !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When she asked me how she looked .
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She loved him until the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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So, i spoilt her more .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He knew the spot.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was in good health!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it wasn’t much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was 9 years of age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot live in the past .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were not on the streets..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So whats the point in blame.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Especially a lifetime of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why did i forgive my father ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I have no regrets .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We all went to grammer schools
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It was going to be , some day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She married twice! .
I was scared of men, in general
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I don,t even have a pension.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .